Is this real life?

No shit, swear to God, this conversation just happened.

S:	“Hey Jeremy, will you be able to join the VPN call tomorrow night?”
J (ME):	“What’s the VPN call?”
S:	[goes in search of paper – reads verbatim]  “FWAM iVPN solution for CRC”
J:	“I don’t know what that is.”
S:	“[P] said you’d be able to join to be available for testing.”
J:	“I don’t mind joining, but as I don’t know what I’ll be testing, nor what’s changing, I don’t know that I’ll be able to help much.”
S:	“They just want someone available to make sure they can still connect to [app] and [app] after the VPN change.”
J:	“I don’t have access to the portal through which they would connect to those applications, so I really won’t be able to test that.”
S:	“I’m not sure.  Will you be able to join?”
J:	*likely audible sigh* “Sure.”
S (Email to Client):	Declined: FW: FWAM iVPN solution for CRC
	Hi [S2],
	Can you forward this to [J] at CRC? He will be able to be online.
	Thanks, [S]
J:	[thinking] You forwarded me and the organizer your declination of the meeting asking her to forward me the meeting.  You could have forwarded me the meeting.  Instead, you declined it, forwarded her BACK your declination COPYING me on it, ASKING HER to forward it to me.
S2 -> J:	[FW: FWAM iVPN solution for CRC]  (9pm Friday – 1am Saturday)
J:	9pm to 1am to test something that I can’t test and for which I don’t have any details to assist in any necessary troubleshooting.  Nice.
L:	CRC –
	We’ve forwarded the meeting to [J], but [C] was also invited.  Will both of you guys be joining?  Who is doing the Telenet/ping?  This ping is what was discussed on Monday’s call.
	Just want to be sure we have all bases covered.
	Please advise.
	Thanks,
	[L]
J:	PING. 9pm to 1am to PING.  *definitely audible sigh*

Zoloft

It wasn't entirely on purpose that I ran out of my prescription last Saturday (10 days ago). The main problem was just that I didn't care enough to bother refilling it. I had been on it for about 8 months at 100mg. That's not a huge dose, but it's not completely menial either. I'm also taking 150mg of Welbutrin so I wasn't too horrified by the thought of being without it.

I've heard some pretty scary withdrawal stories. Tremors, nightmares, horrible depression and anxiety, seizures even. Not short term either, these last for months. Damn, though, I feel fantastic.

I know for a fact that it helped me get over a particularly bad hump in my life that nothing else helped me with. I always thought I'd be the kind of person who didn't need to take medications at all, much less for something so stupid as being "down." That's all in my head. Mind over matter, there's no reason to take a pill to change the way that I feel. Turns out, I was pretty wrong. I read a pretty good description of depression the other day that really struck home for me.

I've Been Losing

It's so easy to find people who are broken but give into the emotion they're feeling, and let their struggles shape who they are, and it's so easy to find people who are optimistic and constantly try to do better but have never had to fight tooth and nail for what they want.

To find people who have fought, who have scraped along, who have known what it's like to be so close to giving in and giving up but regardless of all that believe that they can be who they want to be and do what they are passionate about is next to impossible.

It never goes away. The anxiety [and depression] is literally a constant battle every single second that I'm awake. I thought I'd gotten so damn good at winning but I was wrong, and lately I've been losing.

This enemy knows no logic, it knows no truth, and has no specific environment. When you're happy it taunts you, laughs at you, and asks how short lived it will be. It claws at you and pins you down and spits in your face and asks you how long you think you can keep improving before you fuck something up, and asks how long can the fragile little light we call optimism stand up to the onslaught of everything that fucking hurts, and bends, burns, and breaks. How long do you think the light will stay on once the walls that hold it up are torn down and darkness swallows it?

The answer is, not very long. That's why you have to open the door, walk beyond those walls, and face it head on. You hit it before it grabs you, and then you hit it some more. You stomp it's throat in because you know that it would do the same to you and the ones you love. You pin it to the ground, but you don't kill it because it can't die. That's the advantage that it has over you. You can win the fight over and over and over and over again, but it will always come back. You can beat it every single day of your life, and you will, just to show the people you love that you can. Just to show them that they're worth more than it is. That the pain, and the scars, and the darkness will never stand up to the love and the joy and the light that exists between you and them.

I guess it's one of those things that you never really understand until you've been through it. That pretty aptly describes the way I was feeling before getting help from a shrink and a pill. I have more respect now than I ever have before for folks who suffer through things like anxiety, addiction, and other issues that I may not understand. I've learned through this to not judge people as seriously, because you truly do not know what they've been through or what they're going through. We can't help what we think, the way we feel. We can't control our preferences or emotions. They're there. It is what it is, right? All we can control is how we handle these things and how we act and behave.

Anyway, over the last few months (without me noticing), that bastard of a pill has been taking hold of my mind. It's been squeezing out every last bit of care or concern that I have -- for my work, for my wife, for my friends and family, certainly for my own life, all my cares had been crushed, wiped out of existence. My relationship with my wife has been in a downward spiral. The quality and quantity of my work has been in a downward spiral (and hopefully hit an all-time low). My health for sure has been in a downward spiral. I couldn't have possibly cared any less. "Maybe if I get fired, it'll be motivation for me to do something different."

The look that my wife gave me for that one. We both knew that wasn't true. I knew that my life was in the toilet and that there was nothing that I could do to make it better, because [insert situation here] would never change. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, there was no reason to even bother trying. Don't get me wrong, the ability to stop caring was exactly what I needed 8 months ago.

Now, after quitting that pill? My motivation is back. I enjoy my job again. I've enjoyed spending time with my wife, and I think she's noticed. I've gotten more done in the past ~5 days at work than I have over the past probably 6 months. It's fantastic. I hadn't even realized that my senses had been dulled to the point that everything just seemed gray, hazy, covered in a film. Sights and sounds were being filtered by a pill that removed all the color, all the emotion, all the vibrancy. Nothing had meaning, nothing had any impact, nothing mattered. 

Now, everything has color and detail again. I can see the leaves on the trees, I can taste my food and feel the texture of my clothes. I actually hear people talking now rather than just hearing them droning on about who cares what problem you're having right now it's nothing compared to this. I want to be with my wife and spend time with people that I like, rather than just sitting on the sofa playing video games to try to make the time go by faster to get it all over with and drone out all the shittiness and drabness in the world. I enjoy listening to people talk and write about things they're passionate about, things they care about. I'm ready to really start living again.

The frequent and random (but thankfully very short) bouts of dizziness and the uncontrollable (but also short lived) depressive episodes are a bit weird, but they're a small price to pay to feel as though I'm back in control of my own mind -- of my own will.

I'm definitely not encouraging anyone to give up medications, as they definitely work. I just wanted to share my experience with how a particular SSRI was working on me in a way that I didn't really want it to, but didn't even realize that I didn't want it to. It snuck in like a parasite and made roots -- really dug in. Now that I've (at least started to) get rid of it, I can see the damage it had caused. And, for the first time in a long time, I look forward to repairing that damage.  Sure, there will be ups and downs, but every experience can be learned from, and I've learned a great deal from this one.

First Solo!

I've been taking pilot lessons for a few months now.  Being able to fly "only" once a week, it's not going super fast, but it's going.

My first CFI, Luke and I went up on Saturday and shot some crosswind touch-and-go's (11g16 kts pretty much straight across the runway). I felt that most of my landings were fair, and he didn't really have to help me on the controls. Once we landed, he told me that I should schedule another flight for the next day so that we could get me solo'd. Man, my nerves were playing havoc all night.  As I tell people, I'm very comfortable with the flying, but the landings are very stressful.  I don't feel that I'm very good at them.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy them.  They're challenging.  I just don't think I'm that good at them.

Anyway, the weather turned out perfectly the morning of the solo. It was around 75f with maybe a 5-7 kt wind coming straight down the runway. Luke was in the plane for the first three landings. He pulled the power on me on the third one. "Engine out.  Sorry I have to do this to you." That was my best landing of the three, go figure.  Establish best glide speed, easy turn toward the runway, flaps in as the landing becomes assured, easy touchdown.  It was near the beginning of the downwind, so I may have turned too soon -- ended up landing about half way down the 5,500 foot runway. 

Once we cleared the runway after that one, he had me taxi over to the terminal and he hopped out.Laura  had come along with me, so Luke grabbed the hand-held radio and he and Laura walked down to the taxi-way to bid me farewell, I guess. (It's an uncontrolled airport -- KFCI). With it being such a gorgeous day today, there were more planes in the pattern than I was used to, and several shooting the ILS approach as well.

I taxi'd down to the active (33) and took a few seconds to convince myself to take-off. "Once the plane's off the ground, you'll have to land it." The first take-off (as many people have reported) was unexpected -- the plane jumped off the runway nearly as soon as I began rotating and didn't hesitate a bit to climb. I found myself nearly 150 feet above pattern altitude before I realized that the plane just really wanted to climb, and cut power a little more than usual to reign it back in.

The first two landings were great -- probably two of the best I've ever done. On the third, there was an aircraft shooting a low ILS approach 5 miles out as I was taking off. By the time I was on the downwind (parallel the runway, heading in the opposite direction I was going to land), I couldn't see him, but announced that I'd extend downwind until he was out of the way. Once I finally saw him, he was pretty well past me on the approach, so I started my base turn at a bit too high, and a bit too fast -- the rest of the approach seemed to stay that way. I guess I didn't cut power enough to get myself down. I ended up doing a go-around on that one. I probably could have slipped down to a good approach, but having not had a lot of practice with that, decided to just try again.  I felt it was an excellent decision-making process, and certainly a decision made on the side of caution. The last approach was much better, and a perfect end to a perfect solo -- the touchdown was right on the centerline, nice and smooth, stall horn going off. What a great end to the day.

It's nice to see that .7 hours PIC in the logbook next to the 13.5 of dual. Man, I wish I could go flying again right now.

I certainly didn't think I was ready last night when he told me we were going to try for today, but I talked myself down a bit. The three good landings in calm-ish winds this morning were really a confidence booster. He kept re-assuring me, "I wouldn't send you up if I didn't think you were ready." Man, I'm glad he did. What a great feeling.

Life long dreams, etc

So, a couple of months ago (? -- it's good that I post so often), I was given a raise and some new responsibilities at work.  I'm getting maybe an extra $150 a week in my pocket over what I used to make.  Sounds awesome, right?  Well... it is.

I decided to put that money towards a life-long dream of mine.  I started taking flying lessons.  I'm going to get my PPL-ASEL.  With about 40+ hours of flight time, I'll be able to fly Aircraft, Single-Engine, Land.  All by myself. 

So far, I've only flown a grand total of 6.4 hours, so I've only scratched the surface of what's out there to see and do, but even just doing that is incredible.  There's really nothing like it, soaring thousands of feet above the ground in a plane the size of a (very) small car.  I so hope that I get to keep flying, as it's far and away my favorite thing that I've ever done.  If you ever have the opportunity to give it a try, I highly recommend it to anyone.

And, the anti-climactic response.

Dear Mr. Lawrence,

Your e-mail below was forwarded to me as Assistant Director of Public Works. Thank you for taking the time to provide us with your input.

The construction activities you have observed along Three Chopt Road are related to the ongoing Department of Public Utilities (DPU) waterline installation project. Representatives from DPU have informed me the contractor will begin final restoration of the disturbed road surface including the replacement of the concrete median at Three Chopt Road and Cox Road later this month pending weather. In the mean time, DPU representatives are monitoring the roadway.

The signal at Pump Road and West Broad Street is maintained by the Virginia Department of Transportation. I will ask that they review the signal timings and make any adjustments they deem necessary.

In closing, should you have any further concerns or questions please do not hesitate to contact me at 867-5309 [number changed].

Sincerely,

Henrico County Department of Transportation

Henrico County Department of Transportation

To whom it may concern (likely no one):

I got an opportunity to drive down the new stretch of John Rolfe Parkway--between Church and Broad--this evening. It was a very smooth ride. You should work on that.

I realize that your laborers have spent the last 12 years working on the stretch of roadway that’s going to eventually (perhaps by the time I retire in 2040) become the full John Rolfe Parkway. I remember when you opened the first portion between Lauderdale and Ridgefield when I was first allowed to drive myself to Godwin High School in 1998. It had promise. It would be a fantastic way for me to get home easily while avoiding traffic after I dropped my friend off. He lived off of Lauderdale, and I was near Church and Pump.

This smooth, nearly flawless stretch of roadway (however minuscule it may be) is unacceptable in the Far West End. It just doesn’t fit. All of the roads around it have trenches and pot holes cut strategically into them so that our vehicles don’t have a chance to stop bouncing after barreling through one before slamming into the next. You’ve done well with Three Chopt, which was as newly paved as this stretch of John Rolfe not too long ago. You even managed to unevenly cut a ditch down the middle of Three Chopt in a manner that we’re forced to attempt to hold our vehicles steady with at least two tires bouncing back and forth between the edges for a stretch that seems like a mile. Heading from Gaskins to Pump in the afternoons, I begin to get the jitters as the road starts to level off, but am rewarded once again with the bone-shaking rumble as I near the apartment complex.

For a while there, during your constant roadway experimentation, you’d just thrown gravel into the ditches beside Three Chopt and made me drive there. I don’t know if you were just testing out a new strategy during that time or what, but I liked it. Not only did I have to navigate ditches, trenches and potholes, but I also had to watch for flying gravel, workers standing around looking at one another and eating donuts, and orange barrels rolling down the hills toward my car. It was like a gauntlet of potential vehicular destruction that really epitomized driving in the Far West End.

I will give you some credit, however. In the 12 year stretch that you spent paving this new section of John Rolfe (presumably pebble by tiny pebble), you have managed to wreak havoc, destroying several of the connecting roads. I used to take Pump all the time to get from Church to Broad. It was a straight shot from the many neighborhoods to all of the shops. Not only that, the traffic at the stoplight right there at Pump and Broad was always very fitting of the Far West End (Great Job on setting the timing of the green-light just long enough so that the first car THINKS they can make it through before the light turns! You’ve gotten me good a few times!). Now, I have to rumble across what used to be Pump before making a left turn onto the new (too smooth) section of John Rolfe in order to make another left onto Pump. You turned a single painless left turns into two lefts over what could only be described as a mine-field of potholes and jagged edges. Bravo.

In conclusion, please find time to do something about this stretch of even roadway before I get spoiled by not having my joints shaken every time I sit down in my car. I wouldn’t want to become accustomed to this, only to have it ripped away when someone there decides that it needs more holes and takes a jackhammer to it for gits and shiggles.

Thanks for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

A Concerned (Shaken, not Stirred) Citizen

Testes Tester

Just seeing if I can get the code formatting to work. Also, I hope no one finds my blog now by searching for Testes.

// comment
public class x-returner 
{
  public int x { get; set; }

  public int getX { int x = 1; return x; }
}

Testes Tester

Just seeing if I can get the code formatting to work. Also, I hope no one finds my blog now by searching for Testes.

// comment
public class x-returner 
{
public int x { get; set; }

public int getX { int x = 1; return x; }
}

Verizon and their glaring incompetence.

So, I got my bill from Verizon this month, and shock-of-all-shocks, it was wrong. They overcharged me for TV and Phone and didn't bother charging me for internet. Again. This isn't the first time, I'm sure it won't be the last.

First off, I pay them a LOT of money each month, as we are pretty loyal customers and have had our cell phones through Verizon Wireless for as long as I can remember.

As Laura recently lost her job, I started looking into ways that we could save a bit of money, and cutting back this bill was #1 priority, as it's our most expensive bill.

I started looking online and found a "Quad Play" package that seemed like a good deal at 134.99 for TV, Phone, Internet, and Wireless service. Granted, I'm sure I'll pay more than that for wireless service, as my wireless service alone is typically $170+. (700 minutes, two additional lines, two $30 data packages, and text messaging packages.. yeah, it's a ripoff.).

So, I start chatting up a nice rep named 'Rockie' that I imagine looks something like Rick Moranis from the original Ghostbusters movie. He assures me that the package is $95, plus my cell service charges, plus any equipment charges, plus taxes and fees. That's a lot of plusses.

Ok, so let's do the math.

My equipment (Set top boxes) comes to 14.98 a month, the "Taxes and fees" come to a ridiculous 15.50 a month (not including internet.. I don't know how much that is, they didn't charge me for it). So, 30.48 a month.

My Cell Bill this month was 173.82. Yes, I know, insane.. but I have $80 worth of data and text messaging plans alone over the 3 lines.

So, 95 + 173.82 + 30.48 = 299.30.

That's not too bad, under 300 bucks.. although tacking on whatever the taxes and fees are for internet will probably be a little over that.

My bill? 292.45. That doesn't include internet. I doubt I get 15/5 FIOS for a grand total of like 8 bucks a month. I really don't have too many complaints with verizon other than that their billing practices are batshit crazy. If they could just get it right and keep it right, I wouldn't complain. They have automated systems to do that stuff, how is it wrong so often?

Moral of the story is, pay attention to your bill, as they nearly never get it right. Then they expect me to pay for their incompetence. Yeah, I don't think so.

Eesh, I feel better.

The Gimp

PiBG
Originally uploaded by unafragger

This is the BG image that I created (mentioned last post) with the Gimp. As I said, I love the Gimp, and I think this came out quite well, but it just doesn't handle 3d as well as it could.

Blender Rendering

dice
Originally uploaded by unafragger

I downloaded a program on Saturday called Blender on Ubuntu. I was goofing around with the Gimp making some desktop backgrounds, and I was able to get some pretty decent 3D backgrounds, but it was difficult to do, and as much as I love the Gimp, it isn't the best 3D Rendering tool.

So, I picked it up, got into it, found a fantastic tutorial page on wiki books and started following through. I love it. I've been messing with it seemingly non-stop for a couple of days now. This is about the most advanced thing that I've created so far, and it was pretty much directly out of the tutorial (or, a single die, anyway). It's pretty sweet looking, though.

It even has a pretty sweet animation utility where you can actually animate the 3D objects you create. Making it even more powerful, it has some sort of game engine built in. That's way beyond me at the moment. I've made a few animations, and they're very simple. I can't wait to get into the Game Engine. :D

More to come.. hopefully!

New Riiide

So, I got a new car about a week ago. Yes, I used to drive an Acura Integra, and it was old. It was slick, though.. low rider, hugged the ground and could really get up and go. Had a very zippy 140 hp, and I loved driving it.

After about 10 years of owning it, I was about ready for something else. I'd never had a NEW car before, so I'd decided I wanted a new car, not a used one. I figure, I'm still childless, most of the money that I make goes to eating out anyway, so why not treat myself to a nice new car while I still can?

I'd looked around for a while, but I wanted something bigger! I certainly didn't want a full size SUV or anything, but just something bigger than what I had. Also, after last winter's snow, I figured it'd be nice to have a 4wd around the house too. Laura's car did OK in the snow, but certainly not great.

SO, after much (ok, not that much) deliberation, I went with a shiny new Toyota Rav4. Like I said, I figured since I was getting something, I may as well treat myself. It's a V6 269hp 4WD Limited Edition Rav4 (Black Forest Pearl.. sparkly) with mostly all the fixins. It's got a 9 speaker JBL sound system, dual automatic climate control, heated leather seats, backup cam.. the whole nine yards. I love it so far.. it's hard to keep clean, but worth it when it's nice and shiny.

Surprisingly, it's about as much fun to drive (so far, anyway) as the Integra was. It certainly can't zip through the traffic like the ol' Ac could, but it can get up and go when it needs to, and it's no slouch going around the corners either. So, if you see me go by you on the road, just know that I'm still having a good time with the new car, and wave hello. :P

Programming muscles!

I've had a great last few weeks at work, I've been working on a new project. I've got an old application written in VB.NET for the old 1.1 framework. While it's a decent application, has a good handful of users, and accomplishes what it's set out to do, it's somewhat clunky, has many 'add-ons' that don't exactly tie in perfectly, and is becoming "too big for it's britches" as my mom would say.

SO, I'm getting to re-write it using the Entity framework in C#. C# is certainly not my strong point -- I took a single class in college that used it. I'm learning it, though. I've always felt that if you have a good programming base and understand one object oriented language (I'm much better in VB and Java), then it's easy to pick up the others.

So, I'm learning all kinds of new things, getting to use technologies that I haven't used before, and getting to really "flex my programming muscles." As work goes, it's been a really good couple of weeks.

Ubuntu!

As a previously devoted Windows user, I have finally seen the light. No longer do I have any interest in working with Windows, as Ubuntu now holds a special place in my heart.

Sure, I still get a lot more hardware and software support on Windows, and I still have the copy of it that I bought, however, I feel as though I don't need to really use it. Ubuntu does everything that I could possibly want it to do for the moment.

Once I get back into wanting to play games, I have a feeling that it's going to be a bit tougher, but for now, I LOVE LINUX.

:D

Physical Phitness and Photography.

I can't wait for the spring to get here. The last few weeks have been so snowy, that we haven't been able to get out of the house. My gym-going in the mornings has stagnated entirely, I haven't been in like a month.

I was thinking the other day, and one of the (many) reasons that I'd like to get into better shape is that I'd like to be able to take up hiking. Perhaps not permanently, but I've always been interested and thought it would be something fun to do. Problem is, I haven't ever really been in the shape for it.

I'd like to be, and one reason is that I think it would be a fantastic photo-opportunity. I don't go very many places, and most of the places that I go don't provide too many things to shoot. Sure, a good photographer can find a shot in anything.. but I'm not a good photographer. YET.

Not only do I feel like it would give me a chance to get out of the house, it'd also give me a much better chance to get a bit more use out of the camera. That would be fun.

Something to bitch about?

I was going to make a post on how I was annoyed because I haven't (at all) been able to stop eating out like we'd wanted to, and how we still spend ass-loads (though smaller asses) of money on eating out.

I've decided not to, however. I only seem to make blog entries when I have something to bitch about. I guess that's a good sign, as I certainly don't post very often. Maybe I don't have a whole lot to bitch about.

Good times!

Me and my Slow Cooker

So, Laura and I have really been trying to watch our finances lately. It comes down, essentially, to her not wanting to be tied to her job for the rest of her life. I agree entirely and hope that one day soon, she'll be able to cut way back on her hours, eventually quitting all together.

We found that, over the course of about 30 days, we'd somehow managed to spend over $1,300 on eating out. This includes restaurants, grocery store meals (NOT our regular weekly groceries), and things like starbucks. We could just about take on another house payment for that! So, we'd decided to start cooking more at home, in order to help improve our monthly rationing of funds.

My first real experiment was a ~2lb beef roast. We've had this large crock pot for at least a year, maybe a couple of years now. I think this is the second time it's been used.

I spent some time shopping for that perfect cut of beef (or, picked out one that looked like it was about the right size and hoped for the best), snagged some veggies after reading a few different recipes on the internet, picked up a can of beef broth and some spices (rosemary and ground thyme), and headed home.

At around 2pm, I chucked the chuck in the crock pot, added my 12oz of beef broth, and started cleaning and cutting the veggies. We added about 6 carrots, peeled and sliced, a head of cauliflower, some zucchini, a yellow onion, 3 cloves of garlic (crushed), and about a teaspoon each of the spices. We let the roast roast for about 4 to 5 hours, and voila! Dinner.

It turned out pretty well. I'd never cooked anything like this before, so I was pretty impressed. Sure, it could have used a little more flavor, but for the most part, it was very good. I think we'll definitely do it again sometime. I'd say the total cost was somewhere around $20 still, after all of the beef, veggies, broth, and spices. My wife, my mother, and I all had a pretty big meal out of it. There's still probably a couple of servings left, too. That isn't too bad for 4 or 5 meals worth.

Now, I just need to find something else to do in the slow-cooker, because I was pretty impressed at how easy it was!

Gym!

So, for three of the last four mornings, I've woken up at about 6:30. I've crawled out of bed, dragged myself into the bathroom, splashed some water on my face, gotten dressed, and headed out the door. Once the brisk morning air has hit, and I've remembered why I'm standing outside of my house at ungodly hours of the morning, I've crawled into my car, and driven in a half fog to the YMCA. Thankfully, the path to the Y from my house is less than a half of a mile, and only requires a couple of turns in the car.

I guess I'm certainly not a morning person. I've forced myself to get up and dragged myself into the gym because I've felt that it's really the only part of my weight loss plan that has been much more plan than action. I haven't been doing a lot when I get there, but I've been doing much more than I would be doing if I were still lying in bed, drooling on my pillow, willing the sun to stay down for just a few more minutes.

This morning (and each other morning), I've hit up the treadmills. This morning, I made it about 1.5 miles in around 23 minutes. No, that's not a very fast pace, but it feels sufficient to me, that early in the morning, in the shape that I'm currently in. I work up a decent sweat walking more than running, and I am plenty awake by the time I'm done. It gives me more energy for the day and actually makes me feel like I've accomplished something.

I said I'd made it 3 out of 4 days, and the day that I didn't go, I could honestly tell a difference in the way I felt.

I sure do hope to make it a habit and keep up the trend, because I feel like exercise is almost as important as diet to my health.

Diabetes Research

As I've been living with Diabetes for about 3 months now, I have learned a LOT, and I do mean LOT about the disease. I figured I'd compile it all into one place so that I could share what I've learned with others. This is primarily from reading a lot on http://www.diabetesforums.com, but a I've also read plenty of websites, books, and all other information I could find on the subject. I've listed my main sources below, but this is certainly not extensive.

Don't take any of this as medical advice, as if you have, or think you may have diabetes, you need to consult a Doctor for medical advice.

So anyway, pardon the extensively long post, but I hope you can learn something.

What is Diabetes?

Diabetes, in a nutshell, is the body's inability to properly control blood sugar levels. There are several mechanisms to maintain proper control, but the primary mechanisms involved in controlling blood sugars are insulin and glucose. The healthy body maintains a proper ratio of insulin to glucose and keeps the body's blood glucose (BG) level within a normal range. Diabetics have to work much harder to allow their body to maintain the proper ratio. Each and every case of diabetes is different, and each individual has to adapt their treatment to their own needs, because no treatment works the same for two different people.

Though there are many variations of Diabetes, Diabetics are typically classified into two categories.

Type 1

Type 1 Diabetes was previously known as Juvenile Diabetes because it is typically diagnosed in children and young adults. Type 1 Diabetes (T1D) is or is caused by an auto-immune disease where the body's immune system attacks the pancreas. Beta Cells are killed off by the body's own immune system to the point where the body's insulin production is severely limited or even eliminated. Type 1 Diabetics (T1s) require insulin therapy because their bodies do not produce enough, or any insulin at all on their own.

Type 2

Type 2 Diabetes (T2D) was previously known as Adult-Onset Diabetes because it is typically diagnosed in adults later in life. Recently, the diagnosis of T2D in youth has been rising due to the "obesity epidemic." As I'm a T2, personally, this doc will be much more heavily focused on T2D.

T2s suffer from Insulin Resistance (IR) have a limited ability to use the insulin that our own body produces. This is the reason that our blood sugars remain high. In contrast to T1s, T2s typically have an excess amount of insulin in their blood. This is because the cells in the body do not properly utilize the insulin in the blood, so the cells do not receive enough glucose. In response, the pancreas produces even more insulin.

Insulin Resistance is made worse by being overweight. This is because fat interferes with the body's ability to properly utilize the insulin in the blood. I will expand further on this later on.

Mechanics of Diabetes

Before getting into the symptoms, complications, and control of diabetes, it is invaluable to understand how diabetes works. I mentioned that there were two primary mechanisms to Diabetes: Glucose and Insulin. Let's take a closer look at the two.

Glucose

Glucose, in the simplest terms, is a simple sugar that is required by cells in living bodies to continue to function. Plants produce their own glucose through photosynthesis, while animals break down food sources into glucose. Without fuel, our cells cannot reproduce or repair themselves, and will deteriorate over time. That is one reason diabetes can affect all aspects of our body and mind.

Certain types of foods yield much more glucose than others. Carbohydrates are our primary source of glucose, and there are several types of carbohydrates. Carbohydrates include both sugars and starches.

Monosaccharides are simple sugars. This includes fructose (from fruits) and glucose (typically from other plants).

Disaccharides are double sugars. These are bonded pairs of simple sugars. These include Sucrose, Lactose, and Maltose. Sucrose is simply table sugar, and this is usually the only sugar labeled on food labels as "Sugar." Sucrose breaks down into 1 Glucose, and 1 Fructose molecule. Lactose is the sugar found in milk, and also only contains one molecule of glucose.

Polysaccharides are complex cargohydrates. These are chains of glucose molecules. These digest more slowly than simple and double sugars, and are found in peas, beans, legumes, grains, potatoes, and other starchy plants.

Each of these types of carbohydrate is broken down during digestion, and the glucose is absorbed through the small intestine, and distributed to the entire body through the bloodstream.

Our bodies need a constant supply of glucose, and so excess glucose, or glucose not needed by the cells when we eat, is stored in the liver and muscles in the form of glycogen. Glycogen is simply long chains of glucose. Between meals, when the body is in short supply of glucose, the muscles and liver release glucose into our blood through glycogenesis, breaking down the stored glycogen.

It is also worth noting that the body is able to break consumed proteins down into glycogen to be stored in, and later released by the liver.

Now that we know how our body supplies itself with glucose, we need to know how it's used. This leads us to our next point.

Insulin

Insulin is a protein, or a hormone, produced by the islet cells, or Beta cells, in our Pancreas. Insulin is used by the body in a number of ways. Primarily of focus for diabetics, and the primary use of insulin, is to act as a transporter of glucose into our cells. Without insulin, glucose is never absorbed by the cells, and remains in the blood stream. As noted earlier, this prevents our cells from getting the necessary energy for maintenance, reproduction, and repair. This also causes high concentrations of glucose in the blood (High blood sugar, or hyperglycemia), which can lead to a plethora of complications, which I will elaborate on shortly.

In addition to transporting glucose into our cells, Insulin is also the hormone that promotes the body to store fats. Keep this in mind, as it is an important mechanic of the low-carbohydrate diet and weight-loss.

As previously mentioned, in T1s, the beta cells in the pancreas have been exhausted or even killed off, and insulin is no longer produced. Without insulin, the body will not receive energy from glucose, the concentration of glucose in the blood will rapidly rise, and many complications will occur.

In T2s, insulin is still produced, but it is not used efficiently by the cells. This typically leads to an elevated level of insulin as well as an elevated level of glucose in the blood. The elevated level of insulin is both caused by, and causes weight gain and excess body fat (as fat is one of the primary causes of insulin resistance).

Symptoms of Diabetes

There can be many symptoms that can lead to the diagnosis of diabetes. In T2s, most of these are caused by hyperglycemia. Diabetics typically exhibit some (but not all) of these symptoms:

• Excessive thirst
• Frequent urination
• Unexplained weight loss
• Glucose in the Urine
• Extreme hunger
• Tiredness or fatigue
• Rapid changes in vision
• Numbness or tingling in the extremities
• Slow-healing sores or infections

If you are experiencing more than one of these symptoms and aren't sure if you may have diabetes, you should see a doctor. There are several different tests that can be performed.

If you have access to a blood glucose meter, you can always check your blood sugar yourself. The most common, and likely the first test that a doctor will do is called a fasting blood sugar test. They simply check your blood sugar after you've fasted for 12 hours. This is certainly NOT a definitive test, as fasting sugars can be perfectly normal, and your average sugar level can be quite high.

A slightly more capable way of testing is a hemoglobin A1C test. This test will show your average blood-sugar level for the past 3 months. Diabetics often have this test done periodically as a way of keeping track of our progress. While this does provide substantially more accurate results, it is still not definitive.

The most commonly accepted way of knowing for sure is called a GTT (Glucose Tolerance Test) or OGTT, or Oral GTT. In this test, you consume a normal level (more than 150g per day) of carbohydrates for 3-4 days prior to the test, and then fast for 12 hours. The doctor will give you a set amount of glucose, and test your sugar at intervals after the ingestion or administration of the glucose. This displays trends, as well as your "peak" sugar, and should allow for a definite diagnosis.

I will not expand too much here on the symptoms, but will go into more detail in the next section on potential complications of diabetes.

Potential Complications of Diabetes

There are a whole slew of complications that can arise from diabetes. These are typically due to elevated levels of glucose in the blood, but there can also be complications caused by low levels of glucose, or even rapidly changing BG levels. It is heavily reported that all of these complications can be prevented, and in many cases reversed, by maintaining healthy blood-glucose levels. Complications that I'll focus on are primarily caused by high blood sugar levels, or rapidly changing blood sugar levels.

Frequent Urination is caused by the kidney's trying to remove excess glucose from the blood stream. The kidneys filter the glucose out and then expel the excess glucose through urination. This can cause dehydration which also leads to excess thirst.

Putting excess strain on the kidneys filtering out high levels of glucose can lead to kidney problems, urinary tract infections, kidney stones, and eventual kidney failure.

Fatigue is another common issue among diabetics. This is caused simply because the cells are not getting enough glucose to provide energy.

High glucose levels cause poor circulation. High blood glucose draws water out of your tissues, causing them to become dehydrated. Dehydration leads to poor circulation as blood is thicker. The poor circulation can cause numbness in hands and feat, and this can lead to Diabetic Neuropathy, which means that your nerve cells are degenerating and dying. This nerve damage can be permanent if elevated blood sugars persist for too long. It is recommended that Diabetics visit a podiatrist at least annually to have their feet checked for signs of neuropathy.

In addition to neuropathy, retinopathy can occur in the eyes due to high, or quickly changing levels of blood sugar. This damages your vision, and can be either temporary, or permanent if it is allowed to go unchecked for too long. It is also recommended that Diabetics visit an ophthalmologist annually for a diabetic eye exam. Optometrists are unable to perform the same level of exam as ophthalmologists and so the ophthalmologist is the recommended course of action.

This same mechanism causes the walls of the blood vessels to thicken. This is a leading cause of high blood pressure and cardiovascular disease in diabetics. Heart disease is the leading cause of death among diabetics.

High Cholesterol is another common worry among diabetics. High cholesterol is caused by increased insulin levels in the blood. The more glucose in our blood, the more insulin the body must produce to combat the elevated glucose levels, and thus the higher our cholesterol becomes. In diabetics, the cholesterol causes fatty plaque to form in the blood vessels and arteries. These plaques dislodging can lead to heart attack or stroke.

Poor circulation also limits the immune system's ability to combat infections. Infections can run rampant in diabetics, and untreated infection can lead to gangrene. Severe damage can require amputation.

I hope you can see that the best course of action is to control your blood sugars. Out of control sugars can lead to a plethora of health problems, many of which can cause death.

Let's take a closer look at methods of controlling diabetes!

Controlling Diabetes

There are several methods of controlling diabetes. As I believe that maintaining tight control is the key to fewer complications, and a longer, healthier life, I will focus most of my time on this section. Before we can get into the methods of controlling our diabetes, we need to understand what "control" is defined as.

What does "normal" mean?

Persons without diabetes maintain near constant blood glucose levels (BG) of 80-100mg/dl, typically hovering right around 85. Dr. Bernstein explains, "There are times when that range can briefly stretch up or down—as high as 160 mg/dl and as low as 65—but generally, for the nondiabetic, such swings are rare." As diabetics, we should aim to remain within these target numbers, although it is most definitely not always possible to do so.

So, what CAN we do? The American Association of Clinical Endocrinologists specializes in diabetes treatment. The AACE recommends that blood sugar levels should be 140 or below two hours after meals. While this is a noble start, many people feel that this number after two hours is still too high. Most diabetics BG "peaks" at around 1h after meals, and so they aim to stay below 140 at all times. There are a lot of us who do aim to stay within the "normal" ranges of 80-120 at all times.

The other common measure of control comes in the form of an hbA1C test, which measures the amount of hemoglobin in the blood and is said to show an approximate 3-month average of BG levels. The AACE recommended A1C of diabetic patients is 6.5% or below, which correlates to an average BG level of 154mg/dl or lower. As you can imagine, most of us feel that this number is unacceptable to us personally, and shoot for much tighter control in the 4.5-5.5 (83-118) range.

The most powerful tool that we, as diabetics, have to combat our disease is our BG Meter. By measuring our BG before and after meals and activities, we are able to determine how the foods we eat and exercises we do affect our BG levels. There are several different methods for achieving these results, and I can tell you from personal experience, that it is achievable.

Controlling with Diet and Exercise

Some T2s are able to control their diabetes with nothing more than Diet and Exercise. Even with Insulin therapy or oral medications, watching your diet and exercise routines is the single most important thing you can do for your health as a whole. As stated earlier, one of the causes of insulin resistance is excess fat. One goal should be to cut down on this fat, as any change in this area can provide many health benefits. These include (but certainly are not limited to): an overall healthier feeling, more energy, lower cholesterol, lower blood pressure, decreased resting heart rate, lower BG levels, decreased risk of heart disease and increased circulation.

The mostly widely accepted method of controlling diabetes through diet is by following a Low Carbohydrate Diet. These come in many forms, but all follow one principal -- restricted carbohydrate intake. These diets are not only used to control BG levels, but also to promote weight loss. Why? As stated earlier, carbohydrates break down into glucose much more quickly and efficiently than any other type of food we eat. This glucose leads to high insulin levels in our blood along with elevated glucose levels. T1's who eat more carbohydrates much inject more insulin to "cover" the carbs they eat, while as T2s, our pancreas or supplemental insulin does the work.

This build-up of insulin in the blood, as we have explored previously, leads to the building of excess fat-mass in our bodies, as well as elevated cholesterol. As stated before, this leads to poor circulation, high blood pressure, and the risk of heart disease, heart attack or stroke. The simple fact is this: limiting carbohydrate intake not only reduces our BG levels, it also reduces the amount of insulin in our blood, which vastly reduces our chances of other complications.

So what are we to eat? It is simply not feasible for a lot of us to eliminate carbohydrates completely from our diets. This is where the Glycemic Index comes in. Our bodies are able to digest certain carbohydrates much faster than others. The slower-digesting carbohydrates allow our bodies more time to react, and thus produce less of a "spike," or sudden rise in our BG levels. These slower foods are lower on the glycemic index. "The glycemic index (GI) is a ranking of carbohydrates on a scale from 0 to 100 according to the extent to which they raise blood sugar levels after eating. Foods with a high GI are those which are rapidly digested and absorbed and result in marked fluctuations in blood sugar levels. Low-GI foods, by virtue of their slow digestion and absorption, produce gradual rises in blood sugar and insulin levels, and have proven benefits for health."

Pure glucose is given a GI of 100, and foods that absorb more slowly are ranked on a scale below that number.

Low GI foods have a GI of 55 and below. These include most fruits and vegetables, pasta, legumes, milk, yogurt, and low-carb products such as cheese, nuts, cooking oil.

Medium GI foods have a GI of 56-69 and include most whole wheat products, basmati rice, sweet potatoes, and table sugar.

High GI foods have a GI of 70 and above and include items such as corn flakes, rice krispies, baked potatoes, watermelon, crossiants, white breads, most breakfast cereals, most white rices, and straight glucose.

This is important to keep in mind when choosing carbohydrates to eat. Eliminating high-carb, high-GI foods from a diabetics diet is the single most effective way of maintaining a stable BG level. This means cutting out things like white breads and rice, potatoes (baked and french fries) and white rices.

That is certainly not all we can eat on a Low Carb diet. Proteins are "free game" because they are digested and broken down into sugars at such a slower rate than carbs. This includes meats. Many of the Low Carb diets recommend sticking to leaner meats such as chicken, turkey, and fish. I tend to lean more towards Dr. Atkins' approach which also allows fattier meats.

Higher levels of fat in the diet is acceptable so long as your insulin levels remain low due to low carb consumption. This helps to prevent the body releasing insulin, which in turn prevents it from storing the fat. Additionally, when there are limited levels of glucose in the blood (due to the low carb load), your body switches to its alternate fuel source: fat. When glucose is not available as a fuel source, the body can also burn fat in a process called lipolysis.

Advocates also point out that with lower levels of insulin in the blood, cholesterol levels actually decrease even when consuming dietary cholesterol. Eating a healthy amount of fats also helps the body feel full. I am a big advocate of the low carb diet because it allows me to eat plenty of food so that I don't feel deprived, and allows me to eat most of the foods that I enjoy.

So what IS low carb? This is where most of the debate focuses between the several low-carb diets. Atkins' "Induction" phase advocates eating fewer than 20g of net carbohydrates per day. A very important distinction here, as "fiber" is not counted toward net carbohydrate intake. Why? Fiber is insoluble and our bodies do not digest this and turn it into glucose. It has no affect on our glucose levels, and thus no affect on our insulin levels. To determine how many grams of net carbohydrates are in a food, we simply take the total carbohydrates, and subtract the fiber grams. Sat your eating a piece of whole wheat bread that contains 12g of carbs per slice, and 3g of fiber per slice, the net carbohydrates in your slice of bread would be 12-3, or 9g.

Dr Bernstein recommends a diet consisting of 6g of net carbs (carbs) for breakfast, 12g for lunch, and 12g for dinner, for a total of 30g per day. On the other end of the spectrum, the American Diabetes Association recommends 60g of carbs per meal for men, and 40-55g per meal for women. Most all of the diabetics that I've spoken with feel that this is too many to maintain healthy BG levels. The key is finding what works for YOU as an individual.

While Diet alone can control BG levels, another important factor is exercise. The muscles burn glucose more quickly than other cells to provide them with energy to expand and contract. Even muscles in rest burn glucose more quickly. Additionally, exercise increases metabolism and reduces insulin resistance. All of these combined point to the fact that exercise is very useful in maintaining a healthy BG.

Building muscle alone is a good practice as well, because any increase in muscle mass yields a net gain in the amount of glucose (and calories, for that matter) your body uses, even while in rest. More muscle mass = less insulin resistance, and more glucose or fat burned.

Controlling Diabetes with Oral Medication

There are several different kinds of medications available today to help with controlling blood sugar. Most of the newer medications come with a very small risk of hypoglycemia (low blood sugar), however the risk is always there.

Sulfonylureas are a class of medications that stimulate insulin secretion. These were the first type of diabetes medications developed and include Glimepiride (Amaryl), Glyburide (DiaBeta, Micronase), and Glipizide (Glucotrol). These coax the pancreas into producing insulin throughout the day, so without appropriate food intake, hypoglycemia is a real possibility. Additionally, some people feel that forcing the already exhausted beta cells to produce even more insulin can lead to even faster beta-cell death, and can lead to progressively less insulin production over time. This can make it harder and harder to maintain good control.

Repaglinide (Prandin) and Nateglinide (Starlix) are medications that stimulate insulin secretion for a much shorter period of time. These are taken directly before meals, and evidence exists that they cause the pancreas to produce more insulin as more carbs are eaten. This more closely resembles natural behavior of the pancreas and reduces, but does not eliminate the risk of hypoglycemia.

Biguanides work mainly on the liver. Glucophage (Metformin) is currently the only drug of this category on the market. This is typically the first line of defense as medications go for T2s. This doesn't stimulate insulin production, but rather prevents the liver from producing too much glucose through glucogenesis. Metformin is also able to reduce the appetite. This makes it the drug of choice among overweight T2s, and is sometimes even prescribed to assist in weight-loss in non-diabetic persons. Additionally, Metformin helps to reduce insulin resistance and allows the body to more readily use the insulin that it produces.

Although there are several other categories of drugs available, these are the most commonly prescribed. Alpha-glucosidase inhibitors slow down the digestion of starch, Thiazolidinediones reduce insulin resistance, and there are several combinations of drugs available as well.

Controlling Diabetes with Insulin Therapy

The third, but certainly not least, way of controlling Diabetes is through insulin therapy. Because diabetics on Insulin usually have to inject themselves subcutaneously (under the skin, not in a vein) with insulin, a lot of people view this option as a last resort. This is a flawed view, as many sources believe that beginning patients on insulin early, or soon after diagnosis, allows the pancreas to "take a break" and can slow the progression of the disease.

Insulin itself, is a natural hormone, and so there are typically far fewer side effects associated with insulin than there are with the oral medications. Diabetics who are unable to maintain solid control on diet and exercise, or oral medications are typically able to sustain much more reasonable numbers using insulin. Insulin is not only for T1 diabetics, but is also used in T2s to augment their body's own natural insulin production, and to give the pancreas a chance to recover. T2's pancreas function declines over time with poor control, as the beta cells must work harder and harder to control BG levels, and this can cause a decline in insulin production, leading to the requirement of insulin in T2s as well.

There are two main types of insulin that are administered: long acting (basal) insulin, and fast acting (bolus) insulin. There are a few different brands of each available, and each has it's own purpose. The bloodstream always needs a small amount of insulin in order to counter-act the liver's glucose release. The basal insulin is typically injected once or twice a day (ever 12 or 24 hours) in order to replicate or augment this basal insulin that naturally occurs in non-diabetics.

The second type is fast acting insulin (bolus), and this should typically be injected from 10-30 minutes before meals. This insulin is used to counter-act the rise in blood sugar that is a direct result of eating. Most diabetics on bolus insulin develop a Insulin to Carb ratio (I:C) to tell them how many units of insulin they should inject based on the number of carbohydrates the meal is going to contain. Bolus insulin is also used to "correct" hyperglycemia quickly, and help the BG return to normal.

When on insulin therapy, you have the greatest risk of hypoglycemia. If there is too much insulin in your blood for the amount of glucose, your cells will consume all of the glucose, and your BG will drop too low. Hypoglycemia typically displays several symptoms that will vary based on the severity of the hypoglycemia. These include (but are not limited to) hunger, sweating, anxiety, tremor, heart palpitations, visual disturbances, confusion or abnormal behavior, seizures, loss of consciousness, and can even cause a coma or death if they are severe enough.

While the risks are great, the rewards can be as well. Diabetics on insulin are typically able to maintain tighter control, and slow the progression of their disease more than those not on insulin.

To make the decision even easier, one of the latest entries into the market of diabetes control is the Insulin Pump. The pump is a medical device that administers small amounts of insulin periodically through the day through an infusion set that is inserted as a syringe would be just under the skin. Users of the pump are able to adjust the amounts of insulin administered throughout the day and adjust the amounts that is administered before meals. Many find this to be the most efficient way of maintaining tight control, as the amounts of insulin administered is very flexible and programmable to meet individual needs.

In Conclusion

In conclusion, I hope that I've given a basic understanding of the mechanics of diabetes. Moreso, I hope that I've shown that the complications that can occur as a result of not controlling your blood glucose levels are not complications that any of us would like to deal with, and that these complications can be easily avoided using the many tools that we have at our disposal as diabetics.

I hope that you've gained some knowledge from reading this, as it's something that I would have liked to read upon first learning that I was diabetic.

Glossary

Beta Cells - The cells in the Pancreas that produce Insulin.

Pancreas - The organ near the upper rear of the abdominal cavity that is responsible primarily for producing and storing insulin.

Insulin - A protein, or hormone produced by all living things. Insulin is the hormone responsible for allowing our body's cells to absorb glucose. Insulin is also a "fat storing hormone" in that it assists our body in converting excess glucose to fat.

Glucose - The simple sugar that all bodies require for energy. This is also known as blood sugar. This is the simplest form of sugar that our bodies can use, and nearly all foods that we eat are eventually broken down by our bodies into glucose to provide our bodies, as well as our brains, with energy.

Hyperglycemia - Excess levels of glucose in the blood -- high blood sugar.

Hypoglycemia - Low levels of glucose in the blood -- low blood sugar.

Sources

Worth noting, many of my sources come from material that I have read on the internet, as well as some of the books that I have read. I've done a lot of reading since I was diagnosed. I've listed most of them below, though there could be plenty left out. Also, some of the information that I have picked up has been second hand information from may folks on forums that have lived with, and coped with Diabetes for far longer than I have. I may not have concrete sources for a lot of this information.

Dr. Atkins' New Diet Revolution - Dr. Robert C. Atkins, Eric Conger

Diabetes Solution - Dr. Richard K. Bernstein

The First Year Type 2 Diabetes: An Essintial Guide for the Newly Diagnosed - Gretchen Becker